Mann VS Thief
by TravelerProductions
Summary: What happens when you bring nine infamous Mann Co. Mercenaries into a vicious world full of master thieves, global crime syndicates, and a police force of questionable effectiveness? Backs will be stabbed, valuables will be stolen, and ludicrous acts of completely unnecessary violence will ensue. "Just lay your weapons down and walk away... you might actually live to see tomorrow."


Disclaimer: I don't own TF2 or the Sly Cooper franchise, nor do I claim to. TF2 belongs to valve, which in turn belongs to Mann Co and Saxton Hale... but you didn't hear that from me. Sly Cooper belongs to... Sanzaru right now? Anyways, enjoy this little introduction.

 **MANN VS. THIEF**

"Gentlemen... it seems that we have come across a situation of the supernatural sort... again. This world is similar to our own, yet different. Mann Co.'s only presence here begins and ends with us. If information spliced from a few barely-protected computer networks is accurate, there is no australium; there is no means of fueling a respawn system to make up for any mistakes. Perhaps most disturbing of all, however, are the locals... anthropomorphic beings that mimic the human anatomy, society, and even history of our world, yet bear features of a variety of animals. Animals, gentlemen. We are not only the sole members of Mann Co. here; we are the sole members of humanity itself... Scout?"

The Bostonian speedster had raised his hand high into the air, exaggeratedly waving it about.

"Uh, yeah, about that: How the hell did we get here again?"

Palm, meet face... with a sigh, the spy continued.

"If you were paying ATTENTION, Scout, you may have heard me explain that due to an unforeseen reaction between one of the engineer's teleporters and the wizard Merasmus's magic we have ended up in another world. Now, any other nonsensical questions before I continue? No? Well then.

"Gentlemen, we are without employers. We have nothing to our name save for the clothes on our backs and the weapons in our Mann Co. personal hammerspace storage units... and our skills. Fear not, gentlemen, for not all is lost; indeed, this is not so much as a problem as it is an opportunity of monumental proportions. We have proven time and time that we are the best. We have the fastest, the strongest, and the smartest that Mann Co. could find. We have taken on both supernatural and mechanical threats and came out on top; what can this world throw at us that hold's any challenge? We will come to dominate this wretched world and our influence shall take hold! The local inhabitants will come to know, respect, and fear us! This God-forsaken planet will know the might of MANN CO.!"

"YES! And then we will make each and every man, woman, and child praise America as the holy bastion of liberty it is and blow all the commies to kingdom-come!"

"Alright, that sounds good, except, um, we have no idea how to do all that, dumbass!"

"Scout's got a point. You've set yourself a lofty little goal there; now how in the sam hill do you plan to get to it?"

"I am a man of medicine, not a conqueror!...although I wouldn't mind having a few local specimens for some experiments..."

"Heavy does not think blending in will be so easy..."

"Ye think? I already stuck out in a crowd at home; how the bloody hell do you plan on us getting around without painting a great big target for every twit with a gun and workin' eyes?"

"...Sorry mate, but unless you've got yourself a plan you'd like to share with the rest of us, then we're buggered as soon as we get out into the open."

"Mmmph mmph mmph, mmmmmph mmph mmmph!"

"Gentlemen, please! Far be it from me to simply rush headfirst into things, unlike a certain hot-headed, headset-wearing jogger among us."

"Hey-!"

"MAGGOT! YOU WILL SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND LISTEN SO I CAN GET TO KILLING COMMIES FASTER, DO YOU UNDERSTAND!? Go ahead, spy."

"...Right, anyhow. It seems that as it stands, various mafias and other assorted criminals have proven difficult to unearth and detain. For imbecilic officers, perhaps they would be a challenge, but for us? I must digress, however, as before we truly begin to exert our influence, we will need funds. Two weeks from now at oh-five-hundred hours, a precious diamond will be transferred to a museum here in Vienna-"

"So that's where the frickin wizard put us?"

"I SAID QUIET, MAGGOT!"

"Ahem. Security should be tight, but for the most part it should be as simple as getting enemy intelligence. Sniper, you will be in charge of keeping watch and getting us a suitable getaway vehicle.

"Alright mate."

Engineer, you will be in charge of getting whatever rust-bucket the sniper inevitably picks up to standard and monitoring communications.

"Now wait a bloody minute-"

"It'll be better than new; that's a guarantee."

"Scout, you will take point; try not to keep it down and not do something idiotic."

"Sure, this'll be easy enough for a guy as amazing at me."

The spy simply rolled his eyes.

"I'm sure...Demo, Soldier, you two are in charge of clearing the way once we have acquired the target... Mr. Degroot, you are to stay SOBER, am I clear?

"...Fine."

"Medic, you will need to stay behind and be ready to cover any unplanned injuries. Heavy, you'll be in charge of getting rid of any particularly stubborn obstacles."

"Hold on, wait a freakin minute! Who put you in charge?"

"Considering that three of you are insane, the demoman is drunk for 87% of the time, the engineer is more suited to technical than tactical matters, the bushman simply shoots heads and throws piss, and you and the heavy are more fighters than thinkers, I am left as the obvious choice to plan an infiltration not unlike the many others in which I have planned and executed."

"...Fair enough, but for the record you still suck."

"Truly, your words tear at my emotions and bring tears to my eyes."

"Smartass..."

"Mmmph?"

"Er... Pyro... Unfortunately, this operation will not require copious amounts of flame. However, an extra set of eyes and another able-bodied man to keep our means of escape secure would be most appreciated."

"Mmmph!"

"Well then, if nobody else has anything to add... No? Good. Tomorrow begins our greatest adventure yet, gentlemen. We have much to prepare for."

In an inconspicuous run-down house, an odd trio composed of a hippo, a turtle, and raccoon sat around a table planning for another heist. If all went well, it would be another sweet payoff and maybe, just maybe, another opportunity for a certain master thief to get up close and personal with a foxy inspector...

Inspector fox read and re-read her latest orders; apparently Interpol was preparing a trap for the Cooper Gang in Vienna... Thanks to a little poking and prodding from the inspector herself. Cooper wouldn't be able to turn down such an expensive prize or any challenge that would come with it. Unlike previous occasions, however, this time she wouldn't simply be a responder, nor would she be stuck dealing with some other two-bit crime boss that had crossed the Cooper Gang and the inevitable paperwork. She would lie in wait at the very scene of the not-yet-but-soon-to-be-committed crime herself. Ringtail wasn't getting away this time.

AN: Ah, but something tells me those plans didn't happen to include the involvement of nine mercenaries.

First off, not gonna lie: This probably isn't that good. No matter how many drafts of various stories I've worked on, I suck at making dialogue fit in smoothly and my mind seems to always go for the direct, simple statements rather than more refined details. My apologies if it puts any of you off; be gentle with your reviews, please. Criticism is fine, but there's no need to tell me flat out that it sucks; I am aware of that. Tell me HOW it sucks so that I can proceed to make it cease to suck in the future. Trolls will feel the wrath of MERASMUS!

This odd little story was a little plot bunny that came to mind when I considered the possible consequences of taking the nine mercenaries from a world full of all sorts of insane and/or supernatural things and throwing them into a world that also has ludicrous cases of supernatural oddities, sci-fi doomsday weapons, and other things that leave the average mind in perpetual confusion. For future reference, this is taking place BEFORE the events of Band of Thieves. Let the chaos begin!


End file.
